Friday, 2 January 2015

Darkness and Light

This Holiday season, I've felt a really strong need to spend time by myself and shut everything and everyone else out for a while. And that's what I've done for the past couple of weeks, as much as I've been able to. I feel a little guilty about that, but at the same time, I know that this has been the right thing to do.

You see, I am not as grounded and confident as I may seem based on the texts I write in this blog. Part of me is, yes, and that is the part I choose to share here, because isn't it better to radiate light instead of darkness? Yet, just like everyone else, I, too, am a little more complex than that. In addition to this light that I choose to share with people, I also carry a bit of darkness within me. This darkness is made of self-doubt, insecurity, guilt, and disappointment. It keeps growing with time, and needs to be fully analysed and dealt with from time to time to prevent it from getting out of control.

I don't go to professional therapists - does anyone else have a strong dislike for the word therapist, the-rapist, or is it just me and my linguist's training? - I am a very introspective person and prefer the do-it-myself approach with these matters. Not that there's anything wrong with going to therapy if you need to, I know that it can be very helpful and in some cases even a life-saver, I just feel a personal preference for working on my issues by myself. This is not surprising when taking into account my introspective, analytic introvert nature.

So, for the past couple of weeks I've made sure that as many days as possible have been schedule-free with an empty to-do list. I've turned my attention to the darkness within me, invited it into the light, looked at it and listened to it and felt all the emotions that it consists of and tried my best to trace them to their sources. It's been exhausting and all-consuming. When I do this kind of intense examination of my own psyche, I can't just turn it on for a little while and then turn it off again to return to it later. No. When I really commit to it and get it started, I can't stop till I'm done. The memories and emotions just keep coming, one after another, until everything's been dealt with. Some days, I've stayed in bed well into the afternoon, too tired to face the day as well as my own inner darkness. But it's been worth it. I feel lighter, more grounded and more sure of myself than I have in a while. Of course the darkness is still there, but it's smaller and no longer threatening to take over. I have dealt with its causes as much as my present circumstances allow, and made actual, detailed, concrete plans to deal with the things that can't be dealt with right now as soon as the circumstances allow me to. Even though I can't fix everything right away, having a real plan to do so as soon as possible helps too.

Starting the new year like this, all freshly analysed and my issues dealt with as much as possible, feels good. Perhaps I'll make this a habit. Christmas holiday doesn't have to be a time of fest and feast and cheer and socialising, it can instead be a time of peace and quiet and introspection and therapy, right?

I didn't make any New Year's resolutions. It's not something I'm in the habit of doing. I do plan to lose the rest of my excess weight by summer, though, and continue the healthy eating and exercise throughout the year. And I also have one wish. It's the same one I've had for a few years now. That, finally, this year, someday, someplace, they'll want to hire me. I apply for jobs constantly, and always get rejected. This is quite tough for the psyche, not being wanted anywhere, and definitely the biggest cause behind the darkness inside me. Perhaps this year, it will go away. It's hard to keep believing though, hard to keep convincing myself that I'm good enough to get hired, when all the evidence is to the contrary. Despite that, I haven't yet lost the ability to wish for a nice job. That's good, because sometimes, on rare occasions, wishes do come true. Perhaps this year mine will.